MY Story

It has recently come to my attention that some people are not happy from what they’ve read in my blog. My latest post, “Going Home is Always Weird,” seemed to be ill-received. I wanted to set the record straight...  

When I mentioned a couple that I’ve known since high school being embarrassed around me, I meant it. I noticed that they separated from my best friend and I in group settings and my best friend and I had very long conversations about the matter. I will admit my fault on the fact that instead of talking to the couple about it, we just let the friendship fade away. However, I will not retrack the statement that they did indeed seem like they didn’t want to be friends anymore. I am aware that friendship is a two-way street, but after noticing the disconnect, I realized the friendship was probably over.

I did not write my post with the intent for them to be the “bad guys.” I honest to God don’t think that there is a “bad guy” in my story. I honestly just think that friends come and go, but it is extremely hard once they do go. I created this blog as an outlet for myself. I often feel like an alien from society and yes, I do feel alone most days. I often ponder my past relationships and what went wrong. Despite what some people may think, I don’t blame the other party for things ending. As I said, I think relationships are a two-way street. My intention with my writing is never to hurt people from my past; I do not have a revenge vendetta.

If anything, I miss the people from my past and how things used to be. If you’re that high school couple that I was talking about and you’re reading this post, I truthfully hope you know my intention was not to make you out to be the villain of my story nor place blame on you for our friendship ending. In fact, if you’re anyone from my past and you’ve read any of my material, I don’t think anyone’s the villain of my story.

When I left Fremont County, I was so hurt by past relationships ending. I never thought any of my relationships would end, and once they did, I didn’t know how to cope besides write down my feelings, and maybe help others who are experiencing the same thing. Obviously, all my blog posts are from my personal perspective. Though I will continue to never name names, I’m sure if you’re from my past you can figure out who’s who. I promise I will never shit-talk in my posts, only express my own truth.

My own, personal, completely individual truth is I was extremely close to people in my hometown. I thought the relationships I had in Fremont County were going to be unbreakable. Now that I’ve been away from my hometown for almost two years now, I only talk to a few people from back home. Moving on from my past has not been an easy journey. Sometimes, I think that the only people who could ever understand my fucked-up trauma, are the people I no longer talk to.

But even though I miss how things used to be, I’m glad everything happened. If I never got my heart broken right before college, I don’t know if I ever would’ve had the balls to leave Fremont County. It’s nobody’s fault if they were in fact embarrassed by me or just decided our vibes didn’t match anymore. I only mentioned that high school couple being embarrassed around me because I felt like an alien even in my hometown. Though only people born and raised in Fremont County can understand the cursed feeling all over the place, I still felt like I didn’t fit in. And not because everyone else was assholes or something, because I really don’t think anyone back home is an asshole. I just think I thought differently and had a different personality than most of the people in my hometown.

Even my senior year friend group, (whom I loved with all my heart), I still didn’t feel like I fit in. Yes, they felt like home, but I still had this feeling like something was off. And that’s nobody’s fault, it’s just how things were. I always had this urge deep inside of me, waiting to get out. And maybe instead of saying all this in a blog post, I could just be a man and reach out to my past friend group. But to be honest, I know we’ve all gone our separate ways long before we even stopped being friends. It didn’t make sense for all of us to be friends, and somehow, we made it work for years. Deep down, I think we all knew there was something off, but we just wanted to be around each other for a little while longer.

I truly will always have a place inside my heart for the people who raised me. No matter how the relationship ended or who said what, I don’t have any ill-feelings towards anyone. If there’s anything I learned with having anxiety, it’s that you can’t control how others feel. I’m sorry if anyone has taken my blog the wrong way, but I just needed some place to speak my truth.

Though I don’t want to hurt anyone from my past, nor make anyone feel ill towards me, I will continue to speak my own truth. For a long time, I have let my anxiety and the fear of everyone hating me control my life. However, after rereading all my blog posts, I don’t think I spoke badly of anyone; I only spoke of the reasoning for why past relationships ended. I’m sorry if anyone has a problem with me speaking my truth, but there’s only so much time to live on this Earth. I think I’m about done with caring so much about what everyone else thinks about me. I want to start focusing on what I think about me. Again, I will never shit-talk anyone nor intentionally set out to hurt anyone from my past, present, or future. But I will not sensor what happened in the past because it made me who I am today. I hope no one takes my blog out of context, but this is me, Brandi Villagrana, and this is MY story.