Back To Square One

Being in Sweden all by myself was a once in a lifetime experience. For the first time in my entire life, I had no one else to really turn to. Sure, I could talk to my dad and sister back home, but I mean I had zero friends and zero interest in really meeting new people. I felt finally content in knowing it was okay to be completely alone.

I stayed in a hotel near the city center, and went out and about at least once a day. I talked to my dad every day about life and what was next for me. While being away from home for 2 years, I had no idea what I should do moving forward. I knew I needed to sit a while and be alone with God though. Looking back on everything, I realize that I was walking on the thin line between the world and God. It took me being isolated to realize I need to put more time in with God.

After a week of being isolated, I decided to try a Workaway. I originally was going to this one guy's farm, but pulled out last second when my boyfriend at the time thought we could figure out our issues. Luckily, the host was still able to take me and I took the train down to his place. I'll admit, choosing to do that Workaway was one of the best decisions I could have made.

Not only did he have 75 acres of land, but also had a nice house. There were sheep on his farm, and plenty of places to escape to. At night, I was able to look out at the stars and think about the last few years. There was also another Workawayer from Austria who I made an instant friendship with. Both the host and other guest liked to have long talks into the night and it was the first time I was around other people besides my ex. We all laughed getting to know the other cultures, and they were shook by some of the American norms.

Not long into my Workaway experience, I realized that maybe it was time for me to go home. Not home to Oregon, because that was never really "home," but back to my hometown with my parents. Sure, my family and I are still working through some issues and I wasn't sure about living with them again, but I think God was telling me to come home at least until I finish college. I did like travelling, but there was something in my bones telling me I needed to get back to a routine and find time to just figure out my next steps.

The journey from Sweden to home was a long one. It was the very first time I was travelling all by myself and I was a little bit nervous. Everything was fine, but the journey seemed to last a lifetime. I kept thinking about all the things from my past and all the reasons I left home the first time around. I asked myself if I was a failure because I had to come back, but I realized it's just another part of my story.

Now that I'm home, I'm still trying to figure out what's next. I'm trying to be intentional with God and I'm trying not to fall back into bad habits. So far, my parents have referenced me losing a lot of weight, which they think should make me happy, but weight has never been a fun topic for me to discuss. My sister also had some things to say about my breakup, but I'm just trying to figure out my life without everyone else's opinions and influences.

I'm not gonna lie, it's hard not caring about other people's opinions because I've always needed validation from others. But for the first time in my life, I'm actively trying to only listen to God and not let everyone's words go straight to heart. I'm learning to be okay with not everyone loving everything about me. I'm learning to love myself and ask myself how I feel about me over how others feel about me. I know I still want to be kind to others, but now, I refuse to let other people's opinions affect my mind or mood.

So now, I'm back to living in my parent's basement; I'm back to figuring out my family dynamic; I'm back to maybe working at my old job; I'm back to not knowing what the future has for me... I'm back to square one.